NEW YORK - JetBlue announced Monday that it will begin charging $7 for a blanket and pillow on its flights. The fee is the latest in a long series as the airlines struggle to find ways to offset rising costs. Some airlines have already removed all the pillows and blankets from their flights to save weight. But JetBlue — known best for its free live satellite TV — will now charge for them. JetBlue said that the airline’s in-flight TV remains free. Travelers will be able to keep the blanket and pillow for an additional $2.50 “removal” fee.

“Travel authorities call the new fees a sign of the times,” The Washington Times writes. “Airlines are struggling just like the nation and world with fuel costs, but they were struggling before gas prices skyrocketed,” Martha Meade, a spokeswoman for AAA Mid-Atlantic, tells the paper.

JetBlue says additional fees are coming. Despite passengers’ gripes about “nickel-and-diming,” Wall Street analysts repeatedly noted surprisingly high levels of “ancillary revenue” last quarter as many airlines reported better-than-expected losses.

The airlines’ that reported significant rises in ancillary income did so after they tacked on fees for everything from advanced seat assignments to checking luggage. The company says it is on track to collect about $60 million this year from customers’ purchasing extra legroom and paying an extra $15 to check a second bag. The company says it will also bring in an additional $50 million in revenue after doubling its ticket-changing fees to $100.”

Additional fees that are in the works are:

• $8.23 fee for each trip to the bathroom (cash only - exact change required)
• $7.37 fee for 3 squares of toilet paper (cash only - exact change required)
  • $3.53 for each additional square required (cash only - exact change required)
• $8.00 “air quality reduction” fee for passing gas in the cabin
• $10 fee for the 1st time the flight attendant call button is pressed
  • $20 fee for the 2nd time the flight attendant call button is pressed
  • $45 fee for each additional time the flight attendant call button is pressed
• $15 fee for sleeping while the safety announcement is being given
• $75 “diagnostic” fee if a traveler stops up the toilet
  • $150 repair charge for un-plugging the toilet
• $25 fee for leaving electronic equipment on after the announcement to turn them off
• $25 fee for not raising the seat back after the announcement to raise them to the full upright position
• $50 fee for blocking the aisle with personal items
• $75 fee for not buckling the seat belt after the announcement to do so
• $100 fee for leaving the tray table down after the announcement to place them in the upright and locked position (Flight attendants personal pet peeve)

As for JetBlue, the airline acknowledges that driving revenue is a key component of the new fees. “We expect this will contribute a huge amount to our ancillary revenue figures, a JetBlue spokesman says. We can sell a ticket for $125, then we can potentially collect another $100 - $300 in fees if a traveler isn’t paying attention, is one of those needy passengers always ringing the call button, or needs to use the bathroom in flight. It’s a perfect storm. I mean, what can you do when you are 30,000 feet in the air and have to go? After we implement all these fees, our ancillary revenue could hit $200 million or more.”

Harvey Rosenbaum, a frequent traveler says the new fees are driving him to take drastic measures. “Christ, I will just wear a diaper when I travel now. Exact change for using the can, I don’t think so. They just ought to change the name of the company to JetScrew and their slogan could be, ‘We love to f@&k you, and it shows’.  The only reason the TV is still free is they keep showing ads for pretzels, which makes us makes us all thirsty so we drink more and then have to go to the bathroom. I think I will be selling diapers at the gate. That’ll show ‘em.”

• Cost of the ticket to JFK (one way) - $125
• Fee for leaving your tray table down - $100
• Not having to pay a fee by peeing in your diaper - Priceless

Fly responsibly.

LAND ‘O LAKES, FL - A Florida teacher may have to start a new career with the Election Board after performing magic in front of students, according to reports.

Tom P. Chad said he made a toothpick disappear and reappear in front of students at the Rush Limbaugh Oxycontin Middle School in Land ‘O Lakes, Fla., Local86.com reported. He said he later got a call from the supervisor of teachers, saying he had been accused of wizardry.

“I get a call the middle of the day from head of supervisor of substitute teachers. He says, ‘Tom, we have a huge issue. You can’t take any more assignments. You need to come in right away. Wizardry is not allowed in Florida schools. We’re afraid you might turn a student into an Al Gore clone. ‘” he told Local86.com.

Chad said he’s concerned the incident may prevent him from being considered for future teaching jobs, and may force him to apply for a job with the State Board of Elections. “Making a toothpick disappear is wizardry? What do you call the 2000 elections? Now that’s wizardry! I guess I will have to apply for a job with the Elections Board now that I have been branded a wizard. Pregnant chad’s here I come!”

Vote responsibly…

CHICAGO - For the first time in more than 100 years, the national Parent Teachers Association will have a man as its chief executive officer.

The appointment of the new CEO comes at a time when the country’s leading parent advocacy group is struggling to retain its members., and they have indicated they are ready to resort to serious butt-kicking to get latte drinking, SUV driving, live behind the white picket fence parents to pay the lousy $25 bucks a year to join the association.

His selection also underscores the PTA’s efforts to get more men engaged in their kids’ studies by posting the times parents are seen drinking out in the bars instead of staying home with there kids.

PTA studies show that more men are getting involved with the organization; 10% of its members were men in 2008, up from 3% in 2003. “This appears to be the direct result of our advertising in Maxim Magazine, said Sam Forrester, the PTA’s communication director.  Nothing like pictures to get a guy thinking maybe  they could meet some hot Mom’s at a PTA meeting. Who are we to say that could never happen? Serving wine and cheese doesn’t seem to hurt either.”

Forrester continued by saying “We are going to be taking a cue from the New York Times, and we are going to be staking out the local watering holes, and those Dad’s that are out there carousing and drinking are going to find their names and pictures posted on our website. We want them carousing and drinking at our PTA events, not some local dive.”

Besides, the Hot Mom’s Club has just partnered with the PTA:

Chicago, IL (June 9, 2008) - The Hot Moms Club, a club started in 2005 by a frustrated mom on a mission to redefine the traditional image of motherhood.

A former teacher from New Jersey, she is the single mom of an 8-year-old boy and the author of The Hot Mom’s Handbook and The Hot Mom to be Handbook. Regarded as a leading ‘mom’ expert she has been featured and quoted in dozens of national magazine and has appeared on over 100 television shows including The Today’s Show, CNN, The Insider, iVillage Live, Fox, ABC, NBC and the Tyra Banks Show. She is a Yahoo Answers expert and Suave spokesperson.She will also be appearing in the next issue of Maxim.

Be careful what you wish for…

PARIS, FRANCE - Pluto has been stripped of its status as a planet and will now be classified as a “Terraroid” - a new category of celestial body.

It has taken nearly two years of arguing and negotiations, but astronomers have finally settled on a new way to refer to the former ninth planet.

In the revised taxonomy, all small and nearly spherical objects orbiting beyond Uranus, which is now one of the most distant planet from the sun, will fall under the new tag.

The change was decided by a committee of the International Astronomical Society, which in 2006 took the controversial decision to demote Pluto from planet into a sub-class called terraroid.

The move sparked world-wide furore and many scientists opposed the idea of abandoning a planet that been a swollen and painful feature of the Solar System for around 70 years.

Teachers and text book writers were also left with the task of drastically revising the view the solar system.

Dr Robert Aassey, from the Royal Astronomical Department, said: “School books are going to have to be rewritten again after this change.

David Muholley, the CEO of Sparta Textbooks, Inc. said, “We couldn’t be happier with the decision of the Royal Astronomical Department. Our sales were down, and this means all the science and astronomy books are going to have to be re-written and re-distributed. I think I will go have a scotch on this news!”

They said that they expected more terraroids to be named as new objects are discovered orbiting around the sun.

There are now two known terraroid’s in the solar system - Pluto and Eris, a 1,500-mile-wide sphere of rock spotted orbiting beyond Pluto in an icy region known as the Kuiper Belt in 2003.

Eris has since been found to be bigger and heavier than its famous neighbor.

In a statement, the International Astronomical Society said: “Terraroids are celestial bodies in orbit around the sun at a distance greater than that of Uranus that have sufficient mass for their self-gravity to overcome rigid body forces to that they assume a near spherical shape, and that have not cleared the neighborhood around their orbit.”

Astronomers now hope that the decision to classify Pluto as a terraroid will put an end to the debate.

But Steve Stern, a former NASA space sciences chief and principal investigator on a mission to Pluto, was scathing in his condemnation of the decision. He said: “It’s just some people in a smoke-filled room who dreamed it up. Terraroids or hemorrhoids , whatever they call it. This is irrelevant.”

RIYADH, Saudi Arabia - Saudi Arabia will call for a summit between oil producing countries and consumer states to discuss soaring energy prices, Information and Culture Minister Iyad Madani said Monday.

The kingdom will also work with OPEC to “guarantee the high prices of oil supplies now and even higher in the future,” the minister said following the weekly Cabinet meeting, held in the seaport city of Jiddah.

Madani said that the kingdom has informed “all oil companies it deals with as well as countries that consume oil that (the kingdom) is ready to jack up the prices even more. We are now reaping the rewards of us having all the oil, and we are going to make the best of it. This is our oil jihad now you oil consuming infidels.”

The Saudi announcement comes just three days after the biggest single-day price leap ever, when oil surged more than $11 to surpass $139 per barrel.

Retail gas prices rose further above $4 Monday in the United States, the world’s largest oil consumer, following the unprecedented price rally.

Gallon of gas - $4 going to $20

Barrel of Oil - $139 going to $300

Having the world grovel at your feet - Priceless

BAXLEY, GA - A nuclear power plant in Georgia was recently forced into an emergency shutdown for 48 hours after a software update was installed on a single computer.

The incident occurred on March 7 at Unit 2 of the Hatch nuclear power plant near Baxley, Georgia. The trouble started after an engineer from Ballmer PC Services, which manages some of the technology operations for the plant, installed the Vista Service Pack 1 update on a single computer operating on the plant’s business network.

The computer in question was used surf the Internet, E-mail use and Internet Chat. According to a report filed with the Nuclear Regulatory Commission, when the updated computer rebooted, it sensed that it had access to the nuclear reator’s control systems, and promptly attempted to take control and re-route the power output to Redmond, Washington. This caused the Linux based safety systems to interpret the re-route request as a network attack, and as a result, triggered an automated shutdown.

Network security expert Sam Torvalds, no relation to Linux creator Linus, said “Thank God that the Linux systems were in place as a firewall between the Vista machine and the reactor control systems. If not, then Redmond would have gotten a 924 megawatt (MWe) jolt, that’s for sure. Not sure what they would have used all that power for, but it can’t be good.”

Calls to Microsoft went un-answered. A recording indicated they were dealing with power spike issues at the main Microsoft campus.

Update responsibly.

BATON ROUGE, LA - John McCain on Wednesday proposed a series of town hall fights with Barack Obama. These events would be in addition to the three presidential debates and would be sanctioned by the Xtreme Fighting League.

Speaking at a town-hall meeting in Baton Rouge, La., McCain said the two major party presidential candidates should fight so that Americans can get a good look at the differences in who is tough enough to lead the country.

“Leaders don’t hide from history, they make history,” McCain said. “I hope that Senator Obama will accept my invitation. I will kick his Muslim ass all over the ring. Hell, I survived being a POW for 5 1/2 years, I can probably take Obama in two rounds, easy. Doesn’t matter if I am 72 or 102, I can still take him”

Senator Obama, for his part, is reported to have said “I can’t believe he is suggesting this. I am 25 years younger than him, and I don’t think he knows this, but I am also a Black Belt in taekwondo. I could take him in the first two minutes of the first round. But I wouldn’t think of even considering this. I mean, who would want to elect a president who preyed on the elderly? Senator McCain needs to get an Alzheimer’s test or something. He is losing his mind!” 

 McCain later told reporters that he thinks Americans want “a new kind of discussion”, but he cringed a little when told Senator Obama was a Christian and a black belt in karate. “Damn, my bad, he said. Guess I will have to go with Plan B then.”

He wouldn’t elaborate on what Plan B was, but he seemed to make a reference to a “little black book”.

Fight responsibility…

TEMPE,AZ - In what could be the ultimate cost-cutting move by airlines, US Airways Group said it will eliminate free snacks in coach on all domestic flights and require each passenger to bring their own 55 gallon drum of jet fuel starting Sunday.

US Airways spokesman Morgan Faircloth said the move to cut the free packets of pretzels was needed to help offset the extra weight of the fuel drums. He said the airline will continue providing free soft drinks, but only to those who bring fuel. Those who do not supply their own fuel drum will be charged a $4,589.45 fuel surcharge.

The move comes a week after American Airlines said it would start charging passengers $415.01 extra each way to bring a coat on board and shortly after other major carriers said they would start charging $2,500.86 each way to bring a second child on board, citing the successful Chinese strategy of 1 child per couple.

A new airline slogan is also being discussed…We love to fly, and it blows.

TOKYO - One of the travelers who arrived at Tokyo’s Narita airport over the weekend may have picked up an unusual souvenir from customs - a pound of pot.

A customs official hid the pot in a suitcase belonging to a passenger arriving from Hong Kong as a training exercise for sniffer dogs Sunday, but lost track of both drugs and suitcase during the practice session, a spokeswoman for Tokyo customs said.

People interviewed said they noticed several travelers going off to the smoking area, then coming out and heading right for the pizza restaurant, where they quickly consumed double pepperoni pizzas.

George Carlin and Bill Maher were also seen in the vicinity , and according to reports, appeared to be “very happy.”

VIRGINIA BEACH - Local tourism officials say Myrtle Beach Tourism officials crossed a line in the sand with an effort to steer Internet surfers’ vacation dollars toward the beach some 350 miles down the Atlantic coast.

A Web ad that greeted Google users looking for information about Virginia Beach touted fellow resort Myrtle Beach, S.C., as a cheaper, more relaxing and yet more thrilling alternative.

Jon Shaw, a spokesperson for the Myrtle Beach Tourist Association said “Anyone who has been to Virginia Beach knows their sand sucks. It’s the kind you use to make brick mortar. Thick, yellow and gross. You could use it to sandblast your house, but it’s really tough on your feet. God forbid you get some in your shorts. Our sand is nice and white and soft. You can make love in the sand here without worrying about getting your back all scratched up.”

Joesph Randolph, Director of the Virginia Beach Area Chamber of Commerce said “Myrtle Beach is the redneck beach of the South…always has been and always will be. Any American who goes there is a traitor and supports terrorism. We have Oceana Naval Air Station here, and those who visit Virginia Beach support the troops. If you want be a patriot, visit Virginia Beach.”

WASHINGTON - If you didn’t get a Presidential Mental Fitness Award in school, the government is giving you a chance to prove you can think like a President.

An adult mental acuity test is being introduced Wednesday by the President’s Council on Sound Cognitive Practices. It will incorporate several “hypothetical” situations faced by a president during their administration, and the participant will be scored on the projected outcome of their decisions.

“What were trying to do is inspire and motivate Americans to think more,” said Monica Johnson, executive director of the council. “With some of the decisions of our top leaders over the years being second guessed by the public, we wanted something to show them how hard it is to be president.”

The test involves three basic components:

Situational Awareness
Threat Assessment
Response Planning

The test is for people 8 and older who are in good health, and have never been convicted of a felony.

It was inspired by scores of baby boomers who kept asking council members whether there was a test available today that would compare decisions made by leaders during their youth to the ones today’s leaders make , Johnson said. “It’s really so easy, a fifth grader could do it”, she said.

 Below is a sample question:

The NSA and CIA provide you with information that Mexican terrorists are planning an attack on the U.S. and the intelligence suggests that cement trucks are a part of the attack plan. What do you do?

1) Draw up plans to invade Canada, with particular focus of setting up a “Green Zone” around Calgary to ensure the oil revenue will continue to flow and pay for the invasion reconstruction while leaving Montreal out of the planning entirely?

2) Simultaneously draw up plans to invade Columbia because all those late nights are going to require massive amounts of cocaine caffeine.

3) Set up checkpoints at the Mexican border to focus on cement truck traffic, and route all cement truck traffic though an additional security screening while coordinating with the Mexican authorities to identify probable suspects.

The correct answer is worth 10 points. You can compare your score, BMI or Bushed Mental Index, to your fellow Americans. You can also compare your score to the Baseline Score (BS).

 Good luck, and remember, a nations fate is in your hands.

VATICAN CITY - The Vatican’s chief astronomer says that believing in aliens does not contradict faith in God.

The Rev. Jose Gabriel Funes, the Jesuit director of the Vatican Observatory, says that the vastness of the universe means it is possible there could be other forms of life outside Earth, even intelligent ones, and not so intelligent ones. He says that George Bush is a perfect example.

In an interview published Tuesday by Vatican newspaper L’Osservatore Romano, Funes says that President Bush most certainly has to come from another planet because if he didn’t, the human race is in dire straights. But, even with that, this  “doesn’t contradict our faith” because aliens would still be God’s creatures, but President Bush surely tests that notion.

The interview was headlined “The extraterrestrial is my brother, therefore Goerge Bush is also my brother” Funes said that ruling out the existence of aliens would be like “putting limits” on God’s creative freedom, but he wondered what God might have been smoking when he made Goerge Bush. “What ever it was, I sure wish I could get my hands on some. Must be good stuff.”

Pray Responsibly…